Adoption Part 4: Lessons Learned

Read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3

We knew it could happen this way.  We thought we were prepared for all the possibilities.  We thought we would be OK if she decided to keep the baby.  After all, it was her baby.  She had every right to change her mind at the last minute.  It didn’t matter that we’d made a huge emotional investment, not to mention a pretty substantial financial one.  She looked at her baby and she just couldn’t let go.

Needless to say we were devastated.  We had made an emotional connection with the baby.  As far as we were concerned this was our baby.  We had just lost our baby.  We have never experienced pregnancy, miscarriage or the death of a child, but for us it was like a death.  We grieved as if it were a death.  I have never before or since felt grief like I did then.  In the beginning it was physical.  I felt as if an elephant was on my chest and I literally couldn’t breathe.  I thought I would never feel normal again.  Time has certainly lessened the grief but it never completely goes away.  Even now as I write this I feel the grief coming to the surface and if I allowed myself, I could succumb to it for a few hours or even a couple of days.  I could wallow in my grief and ask, “Why me?”  I’ve certainly spent some time doing that in the past three years.

I could write a book about this and about the feelings I had and the lessons I learned.  I’m not sure why I decided to share it here on the blog, but it’s been on my mind more this year than the previous two.  I needed to write it down and reflect on it this time. Perhaps some of the lessons I learned will be helpful to someone else that may be going through a difficult experience.

I learned that I am stronger than I think.  It was hard, the hardest thing I’ve ever been through, but I survived.

I learned that my marriage is as strong as I hoped it would be in a crisis.  We survived something difficult together and came out stronger on the other side.  We never blamed each other or were angry with each other.  We relied on each other during the grief and sadness and loved each other more for it. 

I learned that my faith is as strong as I hoped it would be.  I certainly had, and sometimes still have some questions for God, but I never lost faith in Him and His power.  I know that, while I may not understand it in this life, He had a reason for putting us in this situation and working it out the way He did.  I was confused at times, but never angry at God.

The greatest lesson I learned is that God is in control.  He has a plan and His plan is always best.  A couple of things that happened during this experience really tested my faith.  The first has to do with diapers.  We knew that we would have to buy a few things in preparation for the baby.  Clothes were easy.  They were cute and fun.  Even formula was easy.  I mean, I knew the baby had to eat so I took some advice from friends and bought a small can of the recommended formula.  The diapers though.  Oh my goodness.  I would stand in front of the sea of diapers and I was just so overwhelmed.  I must’ve gone to buy diapers half a dozen times.  I never could bring myself to do it.  There were so many brands and sizes and I just didn’t know what to choose.  One day when I was praying about this I really felt that God was telling me that not buying the diapers was a lack of faith.  I was not trusting Him.  I finally got up enough courage and faith to buy a few diapers.

Another thing that really stands out to me is that after she decided to keep the baby and we had to tell the story over and over again, people would say, “Oh well, I guess that’s for the best.”  At first this made me really angry.  I thought, “How dare you say that to me?  You have no idea what this child is facing.  This woman left her child in a crack house.  She’s lost custody of one child already.  We know nothing about this baby’s father because he drifts from crack house to crack house and no one can find him.  The grandmother has been in jail because of drugs.  Another family member died trying to get off drugs.  Oh yeah, the baby is in a much better situation with her than with us.”  I knew that people meant well and didn’t really know what to say, but it was so hard for me to hear that.  I selfishly wanted the best thing to be for the baby to be with me and my husband.

I still believe that by not buying diapers I was showing a lack of faith.  I also still believe, even though I ended up not needing the diapers, that buying them was an act of faith.  And, once I came out of the ocean of grief and pain and confusion, I understood that it was best that she kept the baby.  It’s for the best because I prayed, oh how I prayed, for that baby and that mother and for me and my husband.  I prayed that God’s will would be done and that His purposes would be served in this situation.  I believe with all my heart that His will was done and that His purposes were served.

I didn’t feel that way overnight.  It has taken time and prayer and faith to be able to say that.  But, I do believe that He put us in that situation for a reason.  I still don’t completely understand.  I think, if for no other reason, God knew that she needed a prayer warrior.  I pray for the mother and that precious baby and the other children very often.  I pray that the mother has taken the opportunity to make some positive changes in her life.  I pray that the baby motivated her to do what she needed to do for herself and her family.  If her life and the lives of her children are better because she almost gave her baby away, then I’m thankful to have been part of that process.

The experience opened my heart to adoption.  It wasn’t something we ever considered before and we haven’t pursued another adoption.  However, we haven’t ruled it out either.  There are so many families out there in crisis and so many unwanted children.  If we were approached with the same situation today, even knowing the potential for heartache, we would do it all again in a minute.

“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11